Sunday, January 22, 2012

Purposeful procrastination

There are many days that I am calf deep in stuff....the mess. In those days I feel that I fool myself into thinking like my worth is based on a grading system on how much has gotten done, or how clean my floors are at the moment. A failure for sure. If this truly were the system for my job, the stay at home Mommy, then I would surely fail and eventually be fired. (No matter how delicious a firing sounds when you haven't had a proper shower in 3 days or a moment in this so called 'peace' everyone talks so highly would like this job as a permanent position.  Even with out a lunch break, a vacation or a sick day all year )Turns out all along Ive been my own boss....and this boss stinks. Although it would be nice to have everything in order, change the sheets every 4 days, have a spotless just isn't going to happen. Some days I will try for a moderately ordered home, but no more list here. I am not a list of stuff to be done anymore and it definitely does not define my role or my value as a wife and mother.

In the recent year I have become more and more ok with this and putting those thoughts at arms length because I know they are a lie. The list of stuff to do, you know the stuff that is so IMPORTANT to get done, I have come to find is not so important after all. Some dumb lie we all tell ourselves to continue to do better and to be more for everyone else.  Like a distraction from life passing.  Totally not working for this Mom.

God is teaching me that there are more important things and I am eating up the lesson.  Its been such a great gift.  I'm so darn busy that I have to prioritize.  Will the sick baby get the extra cuddle or will I go try to organize that stinking Tupperware cabinet that explodes four times a day..? Fussy, crying baby I love so deeply wins every time.  Funny thing is the more we spend trying to critique the list ( the do this, make this better, must be able to eat off the floor, what if someone comes over, do the kids clothes match...?), the less we have for the moments we complain about missing or losing years later. So, in short, Ive had to relax a whole lot.  Ive had to put off today what I may or may not get done tomorrow. Purposeful procrastination. Some days the dishes just pile.  Other days I don't quite get around to putting  on fresh clean socks. You probably wont ever be able to eat off my floors, but that's ok because I probably wouldn't serve you dinner there anyway. I do what I can, when I can, but people come first. If my children want me to sit with them and color then the floor won't get vacuumed.  If the boys want to snuggle on my lap and zone into Yo Gabba Gabba, I won't sneak away to put in the laundry while its quiet. 

While my babies are young and they want my love and attention as much as I desire theirs my house is taking back seat.  The messy rooms have doors I can shut. If there isn't dirt, the toys can stay in the corners on the floor.  Heck, they are probably going to toss those same toys out the minute I turn the corner anyway. There will be days I won't do so well with this plan and I will try to get it all in 'order' , but I'm going to really put some healthy, relaxed focus into this.

In the past few months I have had the idea of death come into my mind a lot more often than I would like.  Sounds sad, and it is.  I think a healthy person shouldn't think about it to the degree that I have found myself.  Truth is, none of us are promised a second more, not an hour. I've seen this around me.  People here one day so alive and simply gone the next. I am anxious about the legacy I will leave when the Lord takes me home.  I pray that I live a long life, not for me, but for my children.  If tomorrow was my day then I would want my children to giggle about the messy house ,but remember how I held them too tightly and how they saw my love for them on my face.  My days with them weren't nose deep in the corners of the home cleaning away 24/7.  They saw my face. My smile. My love....All probably more than they needed.

I want to live my life very well.  I want to be a little bit of Christ in the lives of my family.  Its mostly about love anyways. Part of being blessed is to be able to recognize the blessings and treat them as such.  So tonight when I am absolutely wiped out from the day and I kneel down to start to finally clean up, I will do it gratefully.  During this if one of my babies is to cry out, they won't cry very long.  You'll find me in the rocking chair, caressing their head and breathing them in. When they are finally breathing heavy and back to sleep, I can't promise they will be immediately returned to their sleeping space...I might just sit for a while.

* Below is a poem my husband had found and sent to me one random afternoon.  Its been in the front of my mind every since.

* Babies Don't Keep
Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father
~ James 1:17 from NLT

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